It had been a long time since I’ve stared into the night sky, aimlessly looking for something that I’ve never known, in a hopeless attempt to right the deeds i wish not to speak.
As I watched the faint glow of the stars, my mind seemed to drift; a trait that never really left, and the same feeling crept slowly toward me. A never ending train, racing strait strait for me. It never hits me though. Just continues its path without ever reaching its destination.
I can still remember the day my heart exploded. Sitting alone around an overcrowded restaurant; you smiled at a beautiful young girl, tightly wrapped in an imperfect swaddle. She chuckled as you gave her silly eyes. Your smile; that beautiful smile, lit up the room in the most beautiful sparks of joy any poet could dream of. Even now as write this, I cant help but fall in love all over again, thinking of the beauty you brought to my dark world. It was as if someone showed me the entire universe in an instant. A peace I have never known followed.
From that moment, I was hooked. You were a drug for me, in the most literal sense of the word. Causing me to need your embrace, sending me into an abyss when you weren’t around, and giving me an indescribable high when those perfect lips touched mine. This drug that called me honey, still lingers somewhere deep within. The more I try to expel its memory, the more I crave the feeling once more.
They say the sun will one day sizzle out of existence, wiping away all life that it once gave the light to. And the darkness will once again take its throne upon the silence of space. Yet you will still be there. A faint candle light, fighting the emptiness for all eternity. How lonesome you must be in such a battle. Shame washes over me at the thought that I could be there. At your side. Love being our guide.
As I sat there wallowing in my self created abyss, the sky lit up with in a marvelous celebration. I was pushed to tears, watching a million falling stars dance across the blackness of the night. A fiery exchange of the cosmos that normally lay dormant, waking up something inside me. An exotic calm poured through my veins, as the damn of emotions broke, flooding my face red with sorrow.
That. The break of something that held me in the shackles of that pain. I was free. Free of guilt. Free of the thought of my lonesomeness. The thoughts of what I could have done to keep your heart. I see now the mistakes of my ego. A prison I had built atop a scared boy. I was unable to simply walk out of that place, and for that I am sorry.
I do not expect that this letter will change the course of my future. Awoken for the first time since that fateful day that our paths separated.
An apology is what you deserve. But words cannot describe such a feat. So a glimpse into my heart is the best option, one in which should have been given along time ago.