Today is another bad day. One filled with darkness and sorrow. Once again threw no fault of my own. Yet yesterday was good day. I wrote a little sttory, which I really liked for once, and was without my mind turning on me. It ended, as usual, but besides the insomnia it was relativly peaceful. It must be the sleep that wakes me in such a manner. Shooting out of sleep only to find my mind shutting down, falling before I can eeven stand. But ive slept well and still had the same effect, so who knows.
I can feel it creepng up behind me again, slowy crawling up my spine. Its almost serene being able to watch it set its teeth in, before taking hold. Being able to understand whats about to come makes the onset somewhat, beautiful.
I only have about a hour or so, so I thought id write to the person that gives me hope.The one who makes thesee days survivable and worth having. My future self.
Im glad that these days paid off for you. All the days and nights, stuck in this well, must make the good days sseem like heaven. But im sure you have more goood days then bad by now. The light shining threw the darkness is what I still imagine it feels like, and I hope you still remember that. If not only to remember how dark it gets down in this well.
I hope you have found that love that carries you. I can feel it in the back of me and cant wait for that to take hold. Filling my soul with enjoyment for all. Its so pure that its hard to grasp. I cant imagine how it must have felt when you finally wrapped yourself in its warmth. Sometimes I feel like it wants to turn on me. No longer love but hate. I try my hardest to find the strength to push it away but the I simply do not have enough will left in me. Thinking of how you must have felt when you cast that from your mind helps. Gives me hope that the love eventually comes back, and cast out the anger.
I imagine by now you’ve found the job the keeps you happy. Who knows, maybe the whole writing thing worked out for you. I really hope so. Its the only thing keeping me sane at this point,, although i feel like its adding to the madness. Adding to the judgment I already put on myself, constantly revising and editing.. Its a good metaphor I suppose. As if to put my own hardship into words, creating stories that represent the chaos within. I hope you haven’t lost that. The creative side that is. Its been a struggle to regain it so far, but becomes a little more enjoyable; when im in the mood, at least.
But I did not write this to complain and moan about how this rough patch,, is well, rough. I wrote this in hopes that you can remember what this feels like.. Its something I dont ever want to forget, no matter how bad it hurts. The pain is what creates who we are. It drives our will and our hope. Challenging the will to live everyday. But its worth it. And i know that one day it will pay off. Thats what makes it all worth it. Knowing that I did this for your. To create a foundation of love and pain so that it never crumbles again. Thank you for the hope.