The Hardest Thing Ive Ever Had To Do

   The night was dark. The stars, barely lit over the dim light of town. It was colder than usually I thought, as I sat on the dieing grass. Observing the sky I could feel the wet dew racing into my legs. Shooting threw my veins coursing threw my entire being. At first I wanted to stand up and walk away. Yet I just sat there in the cold wet grass, letting the experience happen while I merely observed. The uncomfortable feeling only reminding me of what life is. For what is life without pain. 

   Feeling the cold embrace of the coming winter, I try my best to push aside the pain. I then turn my gaze to the stars once more. Bright now, popping up across the darkness. One by one, as if millions of candles being lit at once. The pain of this cold no longer yet, a new emotion starts taking over. Fear sending my nerves into a frenzy. The shaking inside only manifesting to a twitchy leg. The calm nature that was a boy looking at the night sky, turning into a boy who is lost. The vastness crushing my foundation. Before this moment I had only created my own universe that surrounded me at all times. One filled my with my own ideas, thoughts of what life was, and a personal barricade so to speak. Protecting a fragile mind from the great unknown. Yet as I sat under the night sky it all went away. The stars crushing every wall I had ever built. The unknown was suddenly the only thing that mattered. The questions slowly creeping in till there was no more fear. Only an itch. One that to this day has yet to get relieved. An itch filled with vastness and darkness. It was at this moment that the boy shaking in the field, was bout to set out on a expedition, into the unknown. A path he could not see. Merely a new yearning deep inside. 

   It was a intense experience to say the least. Every cell in my being suddenly having to die and rebuild itself at the notion that I was blind for so long. A mass exodus of every idea I’ve ever had in my short life. I felt betrayed. A betrayal to myself. Staring at the empty sky filled with so much life it made me wonder what life really was. Whats the whole point of it all? Why am I here? What is my purpose? As I delved into questions that burned in my soul, I had a sudden change of direction. What is love? How does love exist and what is the extent of its reach? I sat in that field with that question on my mind for hours. Doing nothing more but repeating the questions in my head. 

 Why do humans as a whole collectively surround our selves with each other? Perhaps it was comfort that they sought. Security in a vast chaotic world, along side others who were experiencing the same fears that we had. To me it was love. Love for our fellow humans. Yearning to find one out of a billion to hold us. But love has more to it than that. WIth love we develop compassion. Not wanting to hurt our brothers and sisters and only wanting happiness for them. Compassion that spreads onto this earth like a raging fire. Giving us access to the natural spectacle that is Mother Nature. From here we observe and wonder how it all works in such beauty. Death around every corner but life coming around the other. A perfect symmetry of life and death. Without love we would not be able to experience such beauty because with out love and compassion, we would not observe. Wander without wonder. Thats what makes our love different than the beast that wonder the earth. Im not saying they have no love. Yet theres is pure. Without question, only a deep instinct to guide them to protect there young, to go out and find a suitable partner. The purity guards them. Yet for us, we have a ability to observe and wonder. Wonder why the invisible thing that is love, is everywhere. And how do I access it? 

 So love creates, compassion, wonder, kindess, and basically all things good and pure. It is the driving force for all of humanity. For we all possess this purity. But why is it not everywhere? Why does the homeless man sleep on the streets with no love from his fellow man? Why does man look at nature and push aside the notion of compassion, and go and tear the whole thing down. Why did this pure thing look lost on this world? And why did we as a collective push it to the side.
As I sat pondering the meaning of love and all its vastness, a calmness overpowered me. I had not realized that i had been sitting under the stars for so long that my pants were completely wet. My body shaking uncontrollably from the freezing air. Yet to me it was the most excited I have been in years. Years of depression and self doubt had made me cold already. So what could a little cold wet grass really do to me. My body was cold yet my soul was lit by a flame once more. For a while it was the other way around. To be honest I thought my soul escaped me. Gone into the vastness that i now questioned. Now it burned hotter that I hadn’t felt in years. Comforting. I thought as a smile came across my face. Despite the weather and my body being tortured, I was actually very happy. I felt a purpose was about to hit me. And this was exciting. 
 Pondering love was warm. Like a warm blanket on a cold night. I was embracing it and in turn, it was latching onto me. From that moment I knew, that love is easy. It is pure and basic. For one to have love they must first let it in without thougtht. Just like when love blossoms between to people. They do not fight it. They let it in and take hold because it what there instinct dicatates. It is part of our being. The invisible torch that lights the way threw a dark world. 

 I sat there embracing loves warmth. Seeing the world now not as a destructive dark hell, but as a beautiful place. Filled with love and warmth. But love is fragile I thought. Just like the two people in love, they let it in without thought. But far to often than not, the love is fragile. Breakable like a glass falling to the ground. Why? Why is something so pure so easily breakable? As i pondered this notion I felt it. A darkness creeping back over me. Every inch of my being suddenly shaking once more. The love that was once engulfed me, now a small flicker of a candle. Instead of fighting this feeling i merely observed once more. 

 As I observed I couldn’t help but think of the homeless man on the street corner once more. How could an entire group of people show him no love. More importantly compassion. Instead he received hatred, anger, and disgust. Was it because people had a preconceived notion that all homeless were druggies? Were people scared because they feared this man would lash out at them? Or were they uncomfortable knowing they could not help that man. A fear forcing them to turn the other cheek because they thought they could do nothing for him causing them to ignore. 

 These questions speeding at me at race car speeds. Overwhelming to a certain extent. But a man once told me that “Within every question, there is an answer.” Which to me always had a solid foundation to it. Because its true. Let me give you an example. A man once came to the buddha who was sitting under a tree meditating. The man started to talking to him and eventually told the buddha ” I want happiness” The buddha laughed then looked into the mans eyes and said ” First you must remove the word I. That is ego. Then you must remove the word WANT. Because that is selfishness and pride. What do you have left? Happiness.” I always liked that story. Anyways as the questions were flowing threw me I looked at the questions them selves. Keeping the homeless man in mind I looked at the reason people cast him off. Why did they fear this man? Why did they show no compassion? Why did they shun him? Then it kinda just, hit me. Love is hard work. It must be worked on continuously, fed everyday. And if love is hard then what is easy? Fear. 

 People are not naturally filled with hate. We are not born on this earth knowing anger. Fear and love are what we are brought into this existence knowing. Fear and love growing with each other threw out our childhood. Fear keeping us safe and love harboring enjoyment. Yin and yang working in harmony to help us grow. Yet somewhere along the way fear overpowered love. Growing three times its size till love is merely put upon the shelf in our soul. With fear now gripping the wheel, the consequences slowly devolop. With fear we develop anger. Ego. Self righteousness. Envy. And the biggest being hate. These are the safety nets that fear develops without love to balance out the negative. So when people do not understand the unknown, as the homeless man is the unknown, they immediately turn to all the things fear instills in them because they have no answers. A fall back plan for them when they are fear that they might have to fight to show love. Man fears what he does not know. Because it easy. To love means to work for it. To look deep inside ones soul. To try and gain perspective. 
 There it was. The calmness was back. Perception i thought. The people fear the homeless man because they feel a fleeting yearning to put themselves in that persons shoes. Yet cast it aside for fear forces them to choose the easy way. So they attack that man because it is an inconvenience for them to feel these feelings. Ignorance is bliss came to mind. I laughed a small laugh at this. It was to simple I thought. Love and Fear were so intertwined that we lost track, somewhere along the way, of which to maintain. Growing up, we slowly build this bubble around ourselves, which fear builds. And this shrouds our view on the love around us. As children we are taught to think of the person we might have hurt, and threw the years that switches to don’t let people hurt me. We lose the perspective of the people that we now fear. Perspective must be the key. The calmness that had rested me my body and mind was still there. Not fleeting. A road sign telling me to keep going. Pointing me towards the road that would carry me for the rest of time. 

 It was in this moment of thought that something happened within me. The calmness replaced with something that felt so foreign to my being and yet, as if I’ve been searching for it for a long time. Instead of observing this phenomena I was forced to feel it. Overpowering my emotions. 

 It began as a tug of war. One side pulling, with no avail. The other side pulling. With the same outcome. One dark, and the other light. A pureness radiating from each side as the tug of war slowly stopped. No more pushing and pulling. It was not calm like i had felt before, but more of a heartbeat from each side. Perfectly beating to the others, in perpetual sync. Love and Fear. But why? Had I found the answers I was so desperately searching for? 

 With all the emotions suddenly flowing and recedening, it left me a blissful state. So much chaos yet so peaceful. Fear no longer holding me tight. Love no longer escaping to the darkest parts of my being. They merely intertwine, like a stitch to hold together a piece of fabric. 

 Perception echoing threw my mind. The homeless man had his own story to be told. One that veered into the time and place where he sat asking the masses for help. The masses casting aside there love because they could not find the perspective they once held for others. Fear gripping them to push aside the uncomfortable nature that is, outside there world. The homeless mans story being inconceivable to them. For how could it? How could they possibly understand this mans story. His heart aches. His mistakes that lead to his way of life. His sadness. How can someone even put themselves in others shoes if the shoes they wear are completely foreign to them and most likely always will be? With this idea I no longer had anger for the world and the people who inhabit it. The struggles of perspective had given me a sudden destiny. 

 Destiny, to me, is when a force guides you towards a certain destination. It is something that cant be thought of. A feeling more than anything. And in that field, under the stars, I had received mine. Threw the deep self examination, the cold embrace of the wet grass, the wind in my face, and the stars above me, I was certian. 

 For years I had felt pain of depression. Uncertainty of anxiety. A constant sadness that would not leave me for sometime. I hadn’t always felt this. At one point I was cheerful. Filled with joy and happiness. Yet, Due to unforeseen circumstances, I was in a place without light. Without hope. A sudden change on my path leading me to where I was when I sat in that field. But at that moment it became clear that it wasn’t about to end. 

 Threw all the years of the darkness I had came away with one thing. An understanding. One that gave me insight on how beautiful everything was. The beauty of love and also the beauty of sadness. I had gained something a lot of people will never feel to the fullest extent that I had. The personal hell that it was. Up until that point I had hated the state of mind that plagued me but at that moment, it was beautiful. The pain that followed me, was always tailed by love. Growing every second. Love being the the only thing keeping me afloat. Because its when its the darkest, that we truly appreciate the light. 

 We can never truly understand love and light, unless we have seen the darkest of the dark. The worst of fear. This was my destiny. To let this depression and fear continue to take over. To let the sadness maintain its strong hold on my heart. I felt it my duty to reach the darkest point i could find. So that one day there will be no more darkness. For every time it gets darker the light gets brighter. A fire burning hotter with every push from the cold wind coming from the unknown. A sacrifice that i knew would lead me down a hellish path. One without self, for I was not doing it for own gain. It wasn’t for me. The sacrifice was for love. For my fellow man and women. This was for love to spread from me. But it had to be pure for it be effective. Untainted by fear. 

 I chose in that moment, without a doubt in my mind, that I had to continue my path of pain. I must find the pureness of love so that I may give that back unto this world. But in order for me to spread this joy, I had to make a sacrifice. One that would break me down over years of sadness. Years of crying. Self doubt leading the way. People slowly evaporating into the ether from my life. A hell that lead to being unable to function within society. But a path that I would never question. I would never let the light out of my sight. I couldnt. If I did than it was the fear that would win. I had to gain the perspective of fear so that one day I might be able to appreciate love even greater. 

 I have yet to escape the path that I started on but the love I feel for all around me is beautiful. Slowly my days turning from dark and grey, to bright and joyful. I wish to spread my perspective so that it may one day, give insight for someone who might be searching like i did so long ago. I do not wish for others to venture down my path. I made this sacrifice so others wouldnt. And hopefully one day I will be able to spread love more effectivily. Maybe write a little better, find someone who needs help, or just give someone a smile when they need it most. For the light is around the corner, onto the next journey. 
 So go out. Gain perspective. Be kind. Give love. 



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