Sitting on my bed, another night of crying myself to sleep, found myself at the bottom of the well. It had been 6 months since our move to a different state. As a sophomore I didn’t want to move. Varisty football and soon to be baseball, friends with the entire school, and a charming personality to go with it. I was on top (at least to a kid my age). King of the school as I used to like to think. Yet still I felt hollow, just a breeze floating threw life. Even at that time I would cry myself to sleep for reasons unknown. I had never experienced real pain up to that point and deep down yearned for it. A basic thirst for pain that swirled deep inside my soul. But as a boy entering adult hood I brushed off such notions. Thinking if I left that whirlpool swirling it would one day disapate. Looking back now I chuckle at how naive I was. But then again, I am grateful for this ignorance. I still feel warmth thinking of those days for they were the happiest.
Then next few months flew by in a haze. Until that day my parents picked me up to me us away. That moment I sat down and watched my hometown disappear in the back window, that ignorant boy was gone. My secret wish of feeling pain was gone. For at that moment I had another wish. To never feel that way again. Once again ignorance got the best of me. For deep down I enjoyed it, Reveling in the pain I was experiencing. As if a tsunami was was rolling over my body. The waves of pain were taring away everything that I was and receding back to clear what was left. As to give me hope. Over and over the waves would hit, only to recede. By the end my mind was destroyed. The ideals, beliefs, and everything that was “me”, were gone. The energetic, outgoing, lovable person I grew up knowing was gone. Never to be seen again.
For the next 6 months I laid in bed. Every moment of my life was thinking about how I yearned for that place. That solitude that would wash over me after school. A dark and powerful thing that is uncomprehendable to people who have not felt that blanket of sorrow. Even to myself I do not remember that feeling. I don’t remember much actually about that point in my life. The only real thing I remember is the darkness. When I think about it I’m glad I don’t remember. For even now as I try to relate to it I can only reach the cusp of it. And the pain that lay on the other side scares the shit out of me. One of many walls over the years I assume. Probably the only wall I don’t want to tear down.
But one thing I do remember. The one thing that has always stuck around. The best way I can describe the feeling is imagine looking down into a dark empty hole. An abyss that seems endless, terrifying to even look at. A light. The size of speck of dust, shining brighter than a thousand suns. It never moves, never budges under the chaos that surrounds it. This was a unknown hope. Living inside of me. It’s always been there. It is was has gotten me out of bed everyday since.
It wasn’t until 5 years later till I realized what the unshakable force inside me was.after years of drugs party’s in sex I had a clue. I was laying in bed, after taking a couple pain killers, zoning off into space. A favorite of mine back then because I didn’t feel the pain. I had found a way to escape the dark pain that lived in me. Hindsight has shown that maybe that wasn’t the best option. But back then I didn’t care. All of a sudden I had huge wave of emotions. Fear, depression, hate, sadness and so on. Not a uncommon experience back then but this one was different. Before, I would go threw these waves and let them fall over me, slowly taking me into the abyss. Only to have the light bring me back. But this wave was powerful. It felt like the apocalypse in my soul. My first instinct was it was the pills but even then I knew otherwise. I sat up out of bed and walked outside to smoke a cigarette on the back of my tailgate. Alone in my thoughts, as was usual, I watched in my mind the battle that was taking place. Fear and pain followed by love and hope. In a sense it was beautiful to watch. As if as soon as it started, it was over. Leaving me in disbelief of what had just taken place. As I sat I wondered how those emotions were so strong. It had hit me. They were not mine. Compared to what I had felt in the past these new ones were completely foreign yet they had felt so real. What was happening to me? Why all of sudden did I have others inside of me. A recluse, letting everyone in. But why? Still in this moment of uncertainty, the light in the abyss was shining. Not a speck of dust anymore. I wanted to take hold of it and let it wash over me but it wouldn’t let me. I had more suffering to do.
I knew the answer of my being right then and there. An unspoken agreement to suffer so that one day I might help someone who has no light. At the deepest part of my soul I knew this to be true. All the joy I had felt growing up, the pain that has resided in me since my birth, and the darkness of the last few years. This unknown light had been leading me my entire life to what I still do not know. But in that moment of clarity I had realized what it was and what it wanted of me. I must suffer. Suffer so I can feel the pain of others. These foreign feelings suddenly came into perspective. I was allowing others to dump there negativity on me for years so that they may feel joy. I had always done this, mostly subconsciously, but it was always coming from inside me. I could never control because the light had told me to just do it. Now I knew the purpose of that. Years of sucking in negativity had left me a crumpled, hollow shell. For the first time in a while, I was happy. It had been the first time since the joyful days that I had an answer. And that gave me the purpose I had desperately searching for.
This purpose is hard to put into words. It’s a force that causes me great pain. But is uncontrollable. A force that is powered by love, only thinking of others. Wanting nothing but the best for the energies it encounters. Able to feel the pain in someone and transfer it into my being.
This is the art of suffering. Putting ones needs above themselves for the benefit of the greater good. And for the ones who follow on this path and are scared or just to hurt to move on, keep going. The future is bright for these people for they hold a key to others happiness. Take the pain. Laugh at the hardships. You are the equalizer in the Great War. Pain vs love. And love will always win.